the gift of an ordinary day: a mother's memoir by katrina kenison

so far, this may be one of the wisest, sweetest, and most reassuring books i've read yet on the overwhelming, rewarding, heartbreaking, and deeply enriching work of being a mother. and, over the past two plus years i've been reading a lot of them. just a little over one hundred pages in, i'm thouroughly enjoying this book. and, in fact, vacilate wildly between consuming it ravenously and savoring it as slowly as possible. which is how i know i'm really loving it.

mini mecca: indian springs

after two years and a few months of full time 'mommying', i finally gave myself permission to take a day off...an entire day, 28 hours to be exact...and i spent that day at one of my favorite places in one of my favorite little towns on earth (or, at least in california): indian springs in calistoga. the day began, as every day should, with mud...thick, warm, silky-soft mud...and it only got better from there. after my soak, steam, and scrub, i proceeded to spend the rest of the day poolside. olympic-sized and filled with warm mineral water, the pool at indian springs is not your average pool, but a nearly mystical experience. so, as i floated...rendered weightless not only by the mineral content in the water but also, i believe, by pure giddy joy at being alone...layers of tension and holding from all those hours (about 19,608 hours to be exact) of being 'on', slowly began to melt from my mind and body one by one. oh, and did i happen to mention that i was all by myself; as in ALONE???

indian springs has always been a mini mecca for me, and i have returned there to soak and steam and float many times over the past ten years or so. in fact, the pool there has become a kind of 'holding pond' at various times through my life for lots of grief and sadness but also for lots of joy and celebration, too. it is the first place i think of when i'm going through a major life transition...a place where i seek refuge...and i've gone there to soak during and after significant break ups, make ups, and break downs; for my 'baby moon' when i was 39 weeks pregnant and bursting at the seams (ah, the bliss of being gravity-free!); as well as on the morning of my wedding day.

'holding pond': the pool at indian springs

and, this time was no different from the others...i went seeking refuge, to be held through yet another transition in the 'arms' of that healing mud and water...and it was delightful. after so many hours, days, weeks, and months of being at anothers' beck and call...which is what full time, stay at home parenting is...i had finally arrived at a place where there was nowhere to go and nothing left to get done. in otherwords: paradise. and, the powerful sense of spaciousness i experienced was like opening all the windows and doors of my mind and body...like airing out rooms, dusting off shelves, shedding light into the shadows of every corner...and i was rejuvenated. the fact that it took two years to get there...to were i felt like i could take a break and walk away...only served to intensify the pleasure of the day.

so, while it was a long time coming, and arguably could have happened sooner...and definitely should happen more often...i tried to not let that diminish this major milestone and accomplishment; letting go and taking some space. as any mother can tell you...and, perhaps fathers, too...it isn't always easy to wrangle back a little bit of the energy you've dedicated to having children in order to create some breathing room for yourself. but, once it's done, and then hopefully becomes a practice, the benefits of a little solitude...of taking some time to yourself in a place of refuge...ripples outward. and, even though they're tiny, those ripples are mighty, magical, medicinal...sustaining you in your work of parenting...and perhaps one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family.

in short, it was a perfect day...long and slow and nowhere to go...and i (re)learned something powerful not only about taking space but also about relaxing and letting go. and, just for the record, despite my somewhat neurotic imaginings to the contrary, i returned home after my 28 hours of blissful solitude and everybody was just fine (note to self...).

oil is STILL spilling into the gulf of mexico...a sensless accident that could have been prevented...it's such a sad state of affairs. what to do longterm about our dependency on oil, i don't know...being mindful of our consumption might be a great first start...but, it seems that off shore drilling is just a needless flirting with disaster. once again, corporate industry seems to be getting away with horrible trespasses against life and nature. and, it makes me sad...sad to be part of the maddness that is this addiction to oil...and, so, so sad for the ocean and all the marine life and for all the damage and distruction done, both seen and unseen.

there are several petitions out there right now calling for action...so far, i've signed this one and this one...please consider adding your voice to the growing numbers around the world calling for more awareness and accountability. it's not much, considering the state of affairs, but it's at least something. find out more about how you can become a steward of our oceans and all the life that she supports (yours, mine).

'grannies against the wars'

now that i'm a mother i can appreciate not only how wonderful and miraculous it is to raise a child, but also how difficult and heartbreaking it can be, too. as a way of describing the emotional sensation related to motherhood, someone once likened it to 'giving birth to your own heart', and i think that summation perfectly captures the level of rawness and vulnerability that goes along with being a mother. so, along with this new awareness, i've been feeling a lot more understanding and deep gratitude for the work my own mother has done all these years. motherhood is a tough job and there's a lot of uncertainty involved. the fear that you might screw something up or that you're letting someone down is almost constant. or, maybe that's just me. or, maybe that's just the newness of my motherhood. maybe it gets easier. but, i somehow doubt it.

however, i imagine that with time, our capacity for holding all the awe and anxiety and joy and overwhelm and bliss and fear and ecstacy and doubt and all the rest becomes deeper and wider. and that maybe, eventually, we come into a state of grace around this heart that has been born from, yet lives on the outside of, our bodies...as a completely independent being...and we find a way to relax into the great unknown and embrace this uncertainty that has become our lives as mothers. let's hope so. and, now i also understand even better the wisdom in establishing a place of stillness and silence and prayer...a place to cultivate grace and mercy and forgiveness...as this may be the only way to survive as a mother. finding grace may be the only way to reconcile your living, beating heart walking around vulnerable in a not always so hospitable environment: accidents, illness, and injuries; schoolyard bullies; adolescent angst; sex, drugs and rock and roll; broken hearts; social and environmental degradation. these are just a few of the gobblins and ghouls that can keep a mother up at night.

now i can fully appreciate why mothers are so seemingly crazy or neurotic about the safety of their children and how they might go to any lengths to protect them. given that, i'm especially looking forward to seeing the new movie, 'babies', and...even without seeing it...think it should be required viewing. because, if people really embraced the truth that each baby, every child, is a precious being and that everyone loves their babies with the same intensity the whole world over, it would be impossible to wage war on another country regardless of other motivations. and, looking into one child's eyes would be like looking into your own child's eyes and it would be unthinkable to harm them. but, of course, we already know that is not the case. that plenty of wars are waged and continue to rage worldwide despite our knowing that life is precious, that children and babies are precious. so, i don't know what will make that change. but, thank goodness for the 'grannies against the wars', and their acts of selfless, loving 'mothering'. maybe someday we'll learn and they won't have to gather on the streets in all kinds of weather anymore. maybe these mothers and grandmothers can finally rest and stop worrying about the safety and well being of the babies and children and people of the world.

so, maybe it both does and doesn't 'get better'. maybe there's grace to get us through the darker moments and we do our best to raise happy, healthy well adjusted children who become happy, healthy peaceloving world citizens. but, whether that happens or not...whether good sense, mindfulness and loving care are enough to protect our children...we let them go as gracefully as possible and allow their lives to unfold. heart of our hearts. but, our love is infinite and, therefore, our 'work' as mothers is never done. and, if there's enough energy left over from the wellspring that is the resevoir of a mother's love, we too may find ourselves on the streets as eighty and ninety year old women protesting the abomination of war. i hope not. but, if so, i'll see you there.

and, lastly, since this may not be the most uplifting post to date, i'll leave you with a book recommendation that's a little bit lighter: 'lift', by kelly corrigan...a very sweet little book...happy reading and happy mother's day.

world's coolest big boy bike

so, suddenly my little baby is two years old...where has the time gone...and the transformation is astonishingly complete. last week he was still a sweet baby. and, now, he's most definitley a 'big boy'. he wants to do it by himself. he's stringing together the most creative and engaging mini sentences ever uttered. he throws his long-legged, curly-headed, pink-cheeked body around to get his way, to emphasize an important point, or just to be goofy or dramatic. and, when he's really exasperated, he has started whispering 'dammit' under his breath. in fact, in the store the other evening...tired of being led on yet another errand too close to dinner time...he ran down an aisle 'whispering' that word repeatedly and rather loudly. what can i say, it was not ideal, but i had to agree with his assesment. and, it was just another reminder to be more mindful in my efforts of being conscientious of such things; not only my language (practicing right speech), but of not running myself and henry around ragged, trying to do too much, and to keep things simple. even if it is for good reason that you find yourself in the grocery store past dinner time...looking for those ecoware cups for the birthday party...letting simplicity be the final word. just doing less even if/when the intention behind the doing is good.

anyway, the party was a success...despite everything i worried about not having just right...the weather was gorgeous, the kids were in good spirits, the impromptu jam session was fun, the party hats were cute, and the homemade cupcakes were tasty. and, most importantly, the birthday boy was happy. in fact, he was ecstatic and is still working through all the excitement from the week's events, the party itself being only the culmination of it all. much of his excitement had to do with receiving his first real 'big boy bike', which he's parted with very regretfully only long enough to eat and sleep a few times since receiving. in fact, after being awoken by some rustling around in the kitchen this morning at dawn, i had to go pick him up off the bike and bring him back to bed. and, needless to say, he was not pleased. so, thank you to our benevolent friends...it's the perfect gift...henry is appreciating it beyond description.

so, aside from all the festivities and over stimulation, the thing i've been feeling this week around henry's birthday is a little bittersweetness. on the one hand it's so amazing to see him growing up before our eyes and it's a wonder to watch him becoming the person he was born to be. and, then on the other, it's astounding to feel...to really feel it in your body...the truth of how fleeting this time together is and knowing there's no slowing it down. that eventually, sooner than we might like, this little one will be up and out the door and down the road living his very own life. and, even this most beloved possession...this shiny new trike...will be just another artifact of his childhood. which pretty much goes without saying...it's obvious, kids grow up...but, it's just another thing i 'knew' but didn't really understand until the child was mine and i was the momma.

regarding this obvious, universal law of parenting...that we all must eventually let our children go...i read a wonderful article yesterday morning on the new york times parenting blog, 'motherlode', and thought you might enjoy it, too. happy reading...and, happy birthday, henry.

mother earth

happy earth day...celebrate it every day...love your mother!!!

seeking peace: chronicles of the worst buddhist in the world by mary pipher

bad mother: a chronicle of maternal crimes, minor calamities, and occasional moments of grace by ayelet waldman

simplicity parenting: using the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids by kim john payne and lisa m. ross

jonathan just returned from teaching in india for two weeks and we're glad to have him safely home. however, i've got to admit that single parenting definitely has its advantages. while the days were long and often challenging, there is something to be said for just two people negotiating the day together rather than three. and, as we're henry's sole caregivers...meaning that we stagger our working schedules so that one of us is always with him (and, all three of us are often all together, for better or for worse!)...we're in constant negotiation. so, although we feel blessed to be doing it and wouldn't have it any other way, it can be very tricky and even the simplest tasks can become emotionally charged.

henry and i had some interesting times together over the course of the two weeks and we each grew and learned a lot in that time. my main insight was how psychologically draining it can be to be someone's 'one and only' (especially a toddler someone) and henry seemed to have a developmental leap around feelings...'sad' became a new word associated with any explanation of daddy's abscence...and a leap around expression in general, both verbal and nonverbal. so, thank goodness for skype for keeping our family connected during our daily conversations. with 12 and half hours seperating us, we gathered together...albeit on opposite sides of the day/clock...to say our 'good mornings' and our 'good nights', which provided a nice rhythm to the day and helped us all feel a little more grounded and connected as a family.

in the evenings after henry was asleep, although exhausted, i had some rare free time to myself to read, watch movies or just stare at the wall...which felt pretty luxurious...a spaciousness that, for whatever reason, doesn't generally present itself at the end of the day. maybe because when we're alone we view time and space differently than when we're negotiating the needs and/or feelings of another. regardless, the 'alone time' was good. one of the first movies i watched on the computer (we don't have a tv, the wisdom of which i started questioning seriously during those two weeks, but more on that later) was 'motherhood' with uma thurman, a perfectly light and silly look at the absurdities of parenting and especially the strange phenomena of 'super mommahood'. although the main character is not a single mother she, like many mommas i'm sure (myself included), either actually does it all...taking care of the cooking, the shopping, the planning, the kids, the dog, the car, the elderly neighbor lady, etc...or just feels as though it's all on her shoulders. and, laying there exhausted, watching...after just three long days alone with henry and many more to go...i could definitely relate.

the next movie i watched was 'no impact man'...also a movie about a couple raising a family in the city and the circus of challenges that ensue..which was a very different experience; less about one person shouldering all the responsibility and more about the choices we make around consumption and the legacy we want to leave our children. from diapers to take-out food to eating organically/locally and staying awake without caffiene (!), this movie really got me thinking about my own consumption and encouraged me to reinvigorate my commitment to remain mindful around the impact our family has on the planet. and, there was definitley a lot of negotiating going on between this couple, too...almost the most interesting piece of the story for me...but a bit more balance between them in their work of parenting. although it wasn't my intention, these movies were kind of fun to watch back-to-back and made a good double feature.

anyway, it's nice to be back together and negotiating our way through the days together again as a cohesive unit. which is not to say it isn't challenging...because it certainly is...but, raising a child takes a lot of energy and it's important to learn how to share this work skillfully.  regardless, my hat is definitley off to all those single parents out there...whether on a full or part-time, temporary basis... and/or to everyone who sometimes feels like they're doing it all on their own. raising happy, healthy kids...solo or otherwise...on a happy, healthy planet is a lot of work but, i think, well worth the effort and energy.

sunday children's program at green gulch farm

a couple sundays ago, henry and i drove out to green gulch farm to participate in the sunday children's program and had a fantastic time. having spent a life changing week there several years ago...one that put me on a firmer path of spiritual inquiry, discovery and service...i was eager to share the experience with henry and was definitely not disappointed. aside from truly being a slice of heaven on earth, what i discovered during this latest visit to green gulch is that it is a wonderful place for families to practice together.

after the car ride from berkeley, henry was a little antsy inside the zendo and wasn't particularly interested in sitting still. although, he did enjoy the ritual of stacking our shoes in the cubbies outside the door, the ringing of the meditation bell, and the lighting of the insense to call in the buddha. however, once seated...on the floor, right down front...henry was more interested in the teacher's tea cup that sat steaming just a few feet away from him than the story. so, after just a few minutes of squirming off and on his cushion...in an effort to get a little closer to the tea cup...i decided to take him outside into the beautiful spring sunshine instead. 

then, after about 10 minutes of running wild in the grass outside, the rest of the kids filed out of the zendo with a momma, daddy and/or granparent in tow and we all walked into the garden together. for the next hour or so, our fearless guide...a lovely gray-headed zen priest whom i recognized from my previous stint at green gulch...joyfully led us in building an altar, saying a prayer to buddha, and planting our seeds and hopes for a healthy harvest. needless to say, the kids took right to the digging of dirt, inspecting of worms, and laying on of compost and there wasn't a clean hand among us once we were done.

but, clean our hands we did, for next it was off to the herb garden to have a delicious snack of muffins and apple juice...and a little more running around...which officially brought our time together to a close. however, seeing that it was such a gorgeous day, henry and i weren't quite ready to get back into the car. so, we elected to stay for lunch before we hit the road again. but, after a lovely bowl of soup, a lively salad and some delicious home baked bread, we decided we couldn't put off the inevitable any longer and got back in the car to head home for a well deserved afternoon nap.

when, not 15 minutes into our journey home, the back seat suddenly grew very quiet i realized that henry was fast asleep (one of only less than a handful of times he's done so in his car seat!). so, i'm not sure if it was the fresh air, the good food, or the rest that comes with practice, but it doesn't really matter. all i know is that my heart was at ease as we rolled on down the road and i was feeling very hopeful that the seeds we planted together that morning would indeed grow healthy and strong.

catnapping in the sun

so, here it is gentle readers...my first actual foray into the blogging world...please understand that i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. my hope is that this will be a fairly effortless way of sharing my experiences as a 'mindful momma'. my intention is to share as openly as possible...with an eye towards my family's privacy, of course...and to reach out to other mommas (and poppas, for that matter) on this crazy path of parenthood. my greatest desire is to serve and connect and become/remain grounded while raising a happy family.

in an effort towards brevity and simplicity, each entry will probably tend towards the 'short and sweet' unless i have a particular insight, rant and/or nap time goes long. the focus will be on whatever is present in the moment...whatever inspires me to write...whether it's to share an opinion, a recipe, or just a sweet moment from the day (like coming down the hall and finding henry lazing in a patch of spring sunshine on his bedroom floor). for now, i'll leave you with a book recommendation; coop: a year of poultry, pigs and parenting by michael perry. it's a delightful and heart warming book; i really loved it and maybe you will, too.

this will eventually be a place for me to share my insights on mindful parenting and adventures in conscious family life.

however, as anyone who is on a similar journey knows, there are only so many hours in the day. so, we'll see what naturally arises.

for now, this is empty space with infinite potential which beckons my attention.

there is more to come...please stay tuned!!!